Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
