Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
