for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
