Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
