I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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