mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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