Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
