That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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