i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
