Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize