Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
