They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
