Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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