Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
