I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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