I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
