she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
