Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
