I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
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I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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