The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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