but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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