Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
