I can text with my tongue
i just had sex bonerless
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
