I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
