did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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