worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
