I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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