Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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