atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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