rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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