I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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