I seem to have left my pride at pride
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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