He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
