Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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