so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
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I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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