i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
