I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
