he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
