I puked a lego.
the condom got lost in my hair
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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