she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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