R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
