I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
