I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize