Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
