I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
