I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
