if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
