i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i came on her dog
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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