Already got asked if we're dating
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
