im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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