You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
