guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
