I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
