i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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