Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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