from now on my penis is your penis
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Someone came in the potted fern
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
