I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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