there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
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Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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