Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
