My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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