Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
